Loss

There is no greater loss than the loss of a parent. That is one quarter of life from which we know we will never be disappointed; that love will be showered unconditionally.

It seems impossible to cope with such loss and this is exactly the reason why we stop listening to the advise of people as soon as they start saying, "Everything is going to be ok!" These words appear true only when your parents say so; for it is only they who can possibly mend the pigeonholes of our anxities.

I would be wrong if I say that the words of wisdom which our near ones impart are false-they are true in their own way. Things do eventually seem to be O.K not because the gap is mended or fulfilled but because where life is a tormentor, time is a great healer and we are but petty fools. On finding ourselves in siuations which we cannot escape, we as humans, tend to seek relief. Most often, the best way is by cherishing the memory of those we have lost by adhering to what they had taught us all their lifes and also by loving and caring for those whom they loved and cared for. So, in a way things do get better, or atleast it they become less cruel.

I can only imagine the loss of a parent, and it is a nerve recking feeling. But, if I come to such a situation in life, then I think my primary concern would be myself. Yes, it feels odd to admit it, but as shocking as it sounds, it is really the truth. Every human (or probably its just me) is made in such a manner that nothing upsets us more than shortcomings in our own life. No matter how much we cry for others, we really weep for our "own" loss. We hate being in a situation where we lose a person who would/could love us unconditionally. And so begins a thought process whereby we force ourselves (sub-consciously) into fact situations in which we would miss the presence of our parent.

I think it would help, if we try to rise above ourselves (which is pretty hard) to acknowledge the fact that life is life; that it is hard. Death is an aspect which no one can escape and it gives peace (as little as it may seem) if we start to focus our attention towards the fact that death could have been more cruel. Of course, death is always sudden, and its a silly question when someone asks, "was it sudden?" for who would expect death of a close one even when it was foreseeable? It seems that it should give us some relief to acknowledge that people die worse deaths, and that in passing away our loved one did not have to suffer at the death bed.

These are things which I feel from an outsider's point of view, the fact being that I have had close encounters only in having to cope with the death of close relatives and probably that is the very reason I am able to think and write about it in such a manner....

Substituted Emotions

It happens at least once in everyone’s life; and I am sure it does. Each one of us is posed with a question which we do not want to find. Life does not offer solutions, only questions come naturally. What we may term as answers are in reality, only a way of ending our wait and the contemplation attached with it.

This is the bare truth.

And so I find myself lurking in doldrums about the sanctity of relationships and their essence. Most of us wait a lifetime in search of true love, to a lucky few-it just happens. In any which way, loss is the “grund norm” of love. What is important here and is the main question that disturbs me right now is how do we cope with such loss? Is it true that even if people are made to substitute those who have left, that emotions can substitute the loss of love? And love does get substituted; new liaisons destroy the sanctity of old ones.

Admittedly, in our society today, my parents are more open to the fact that people need to remarry or find someone new so that they may live happily ever after. That is how it is. Their generation seems more tolerant of it. Probably it is a grown up thing. Practically speaking it does make sense.

Yes it does.

But then again, have we travelled so ahead of our time, that we substitute relationships just like we do for things? Where do we go from here and how far? Is love too far or are we way ahead of it?

The wound

Once the tears had accumulated to form a wet patch on his pyjama, he could begin to see towards the direction from where it was all emanating. It was hard to accept; and even to acknowledge it required immense courage so that one could raise oneself from emotions to reality.

The journey had been a challenging task which had taken up a lot of time, consideration as well as emotional trauma. The foremost thought to have struck his mind was one of promiscuity of the bond shared between humans. For it could only be that, and it alone could lead someone, anyone, to do as hideous an act as this.

Raising that piece of wood required tremendous effort; under which even his muscular body had to yield. The toil of what was going on in his head was making every inch of his flesh and soul difficult to bear-existence had been demanding its lieu from life. That moment demanded grief too, but from where he stood it was still eons away. In order to summon it, meant that the vicinity of his very existence had to be dealt with. That task was unfathomable, for he was lost in the wails and cries of a hard core society. How could they be what they were pretending to be, how could the pretence forgive their dark lonely nights and leave them unquestioned?

The desire to shout had been overwhelming, a loud scream, and uproar would wish it all away; drive away the maniacs who were challenging him towards action. Action was a sublime version, a sweet word-too subtle an expression to be used.

The priest’s hand had touched his elbow to produce a wave of unfettered electricity which flowed through every nerve of his body resulting into small bumps on every inch of his skin. It had been told to him that this was “karma”-his duty, “dharma” and “moksha”. What about sin? Every neuron of his brain was pulling his head apart with this single question. What about sin? Sin, sin, sin....”paap”. The need for an answer was overpowering, he looked around, the log of wood in his hand, the weight of it on his mind. A crowd of faces known, unknown as well as those who qualified to be called ‘his own’ looked back. The centre of their attention was that one man who was standing next to where the pyre would be burning. How could he waste such auspicious time? Their eyes seemed to question him menacingly.

At last the baton of wood was raised, the skull had been cracked.

The unholy stood there contemplating the holy act.

Sitting now, in his room with the spoils of life, love and tears shed he realized that the act had been a means to moksha, not as much for his father as for himself. The means had indeed shown upon him the wisdom that the way evolved by mankind was one of redemption from contemplating, it was a way to redeem him of attachment, to free him from fantasy; to set him free in the world of reality where he would forever know that his father had been consumed in body by that holy pyre where his head had been cracked by his devoted son.

A conversation

knocking: u know puma, at one point i really thought i figured you out

and then you put up this bitchy scoundrel who wouldn't mind mouthing fuck alls without reason,

this made me go numb and still, even now am putting as non insultingly as i can

cuz i fear your mindless aggression

i simply dont understand why i was , (more than one made the poor victim of your lambasting

Sent at 12:34 AM on Saturday

Anupama: ok cool it. I DIDN'T MEAN IT. and thats the way i am. i get mad at people cause i can without meaning it or without meaning to hurt them. thinking that they will take me for a bitch without getting hurt. I AM SORRY

knocking: civilized people, specially like you who are supposedly into such a noble profession tend to use their diction to mudsling friends

Anupama: hunh?

knocking: but not to such horrendous proportions

Anupama: i hope we are solved and lets make a truce i don want to start a new fight

knocking: well

i dont want to start wither

*either

Anupama: good

but I'm sorry

seriously

i was messed up badly

knocking: but like the bloke i am , i have this rather irritating habit of poking my nose everywhere, and anywhere i think my friends need my advise/help

Anupama: yes they do

and thats not a bad habit

knocking: and i do think, Puma i should know why

why did it all happen

what was on your mind then?

Anupama: nothing just crap

i was mad at everyone

knocking: frustrated ?

academic pressure?

breakup?

Anupama: no mad. like i was going crazy. like i still am. but with this internship i hardly get any time so i'm sober and also alone so thats keeping me cool

knocking: hee

heheee

interesting

Anupama: living through it isn't as interesting as it sounds

and don u hehehe. im serious

knocking: living through what?

Anupama: my craziness

knocking: their must be some specific reason.

for your craziness

Anupama: not really

u can say life

period

knocking: well, i guess i got one antidote

here's how it works

Anupama: ?

knocking: for the craziness thing

u go, start your laptop/pc/dvd player and watch your fav movie

it helps

suchi

tried and tested

personally

Anupama: i tried

it works rarely

knocking: Anu, i seriously hope you didnt get into some kinda dope during your "crazy" time

Anupama: i was about to

but my doping buddies refused to share it with me

knocking: wow

close

good

Anupama: so i get high on drinks

knocking: you talked about it to your parents ?

Anupama: and my parents found out

recently

knocking: about the craziness or about your dope buddies?

Anupama: about my drinking habit

and about my craziness

knocking: hmm

hmm

hope it wasn't unpleasant

Anupama: well them finding out bout my drinking habit wasn't as unpleasant as my acts of crazyness

recently they removed all latches of my room

room's door and all

knocking: oops

Anupama: lol

yeah but since the past three weeks i've been in del

knocking: so it seems they were understanding

Anupama: and now ill go straight to hostel

so it ll be ok i guess

knocking: hmm

anyhow

Puma, tell me , whats your dope ?

Anupama: love

nothing can beat it

knocking: well Anu love is surely the biggest dope, for it works like an elixir for some , and a catastrophe for some

Tolstoy said

" the magic of first love is our foolishness in believing that it can never end "

Anupama:but then again nothing lasts forevetr

knocking: yp

Anupama: except for sadness

knocking: hmm

thats precisely the point

anyhow

moving on

i asked ,

whats your poison?

Anupama: as in/.

knocking: ur fav wine/beer/ alcohol

Anupama: i don even care about the name, once im having it, im done only when i forget which one i had had

knocking: thats pretty bad way of consuming liquor

but then to each his own

Anupama: lol, i know

knocking: u seem like such a wreak

Anupama: i am . seriously

knocking: but then Anu have you ever felt like taking professional help?

Anupama: yes

but ive given up on it now

knocking: r u ?

Anupama: no i never consulted anyone, but i don think anyone can help me

knocking: u r being foolish

Anupama: im serious

life is a screw up-you cannot figure it out. its a dillusion so no one can help anyone out

knocking: sweety thats what happens when you stop believeing in the concept of god, and think listening to Rock is giving instant Nirvana

ANu , dont crapp all over your life

you have been a wonderfull person all this while

Anupama: how do u know im an aetheist? and i don listen to rock all that much. i prefer blues now

knocking: why giving it alll up?

huh

what i mean is

you dont wanna help yourself

Anupama: no one wins in life. everyone is a loser in the end

knocking: when you know your life is in a rut

Anupama: its not

knocking: yaieks

thats a shipwreak speaking

but then its your life